


And now I feel as though my life is in technicolour after so long in the noire

by Mad_Hatt3r



Category: Broadchurch
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:00:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25894795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mad_Hatt3r/pseuds/Mad_Hatt3r
Summary: A conversation between our two ladies set not long after they confessed their feelings
Relationships: Jocelyn Knight/Maggie Radcliffe
Comments: 15
Kudos: 68





	And now I feel as though my life is in technicolour after so long in the noire

**Author's Note:**

> I’m back! Exam passed phew! Having a nice break before the next study text arrives so here’s another quick one shot. I hope you enjoy :)

“Can I ask you something?” 

Jocelyn turns her head slightly, there is a forced casualness to Maggie’s tone and it makes her instantly curious. They are currently rambling along the cliff path and have been for a good hour. It’s quiet today, the weather is overcast and with the wind there’s a bit of a chill in the air. A typical early autumnal afternoon, a favourite time of year for her and especially now that she’s spending it with the woman she loves. 

“Of course”

Maggie does not speak straight away and so Jocelyn continues to take in the views around them as best she can. 

“Has it always been women you have been attracted to?”

Maggie is keeping her eyes forward, which Jocelyn is grateful for. She doesn’t like feeling under scrutiny, not in relation to her own personal self. 

If she’s being honest Jocelyn is surprised Maggie has lasted this long without asking that particular question. She knows all about Maggie’s previous partners and how she has been, in Maggie’s own words, out and proud since she attended university. It had been discussed when they had first become friends all those years ago. Maggie had never pried into her own personal relationships back then for which Jocelyn had been grateful. 

Since they have been a couple Maggie has filled her in on any gaps in her knowledge from the lost years. Know’s all about Lillian and their breakup, how at the time Maggie had been disappointed they couldn’t make it work. Maggie’s job putting too much pressure on their time together. 

Knowing she has been quiet for a rather long time Jocelyn musters the energy to talk about the one thing that before now has always been firmly off limits. 

“Yes” 

It’s a simple answer and as she glances sideways she watches as Maggie’s eyes cast skyward. She knows that although her love won’t push, Maggie is hoping for more. Taking a deep breath Jocelyn makes the decision to carry on talking. Having Maggie in her life has enriched it and she wants to show this wonderful woman that she trusts her. 

“My teenage years where rather uneventful, all my free time was spent studying or reading. I was so determined to become successful in the legal profession that I devoted all my time to it. Mum and dad encouraged it, they wanted me to succeed and worried that in a male dominated world my dream may have been unattainable” 

She can picture it clearly now; sitting at the table in the kitchen, looking out over the bay as her mother baked, quietly reading her books. It had never bothered her that the rest of her peers where socialising together, she would always rather be studying. 

“By the time I went to university I had only one goal in mind and that was to obtain the best possible marks I could” Jocelyn can remember how proud she was to be studying Law at Oxford. She was only one of three women to be accepted onto the course and she was determined to be the best “I have always been an introvert and there I was no different. I would spend my time alone with my books while the others socialised. The hard work paid off when I got my first with honours it is without a doubt still one of the most wonderful days of my life” 

She looks at Maggie now and her love is smiling softly at her, eyes bright with wonder. 

“I bet your mum and dad were so proud” 

“Oh they where, mum cried which was expected but even dad had a tear in his eye” 

Jocelyn is lost in the memories of her graduation only broken when Maggie speaks softly. 

“So you had firmly ignored any potential love interest, nobody that caught your eye?” 

Jocelyn shakes her head “I would look at the boys and think that none of them held my interest enough to sacrifice any studying time. I didn’t want a boyfriend just because social norm indicated I should. I wanted to succeed”

“And the women?” 

“I just didn’t notice, I certainly didn’t realise at the time that was where my interest lay. I admired them probably more than I should have but I don’t think I really considered what that meant” 

Maggie nods and they continue on, the wind has picked up slightly and she smiles when Maggie grumbles as she battles to keep the hair out of her eyes. 

“Who was the first woman you knew you fancied?” 

“Gloria Smetham” Jocelyn can easily bring forth the image of the vivacious, confident blonde who was as brilliant as she was beautiful ‘She was a fellow junior barrister when I completed my pupilage and I thought she was wonderful” 

Gloria had taken Jocelyn under her wing and they had been firm friends, united in proving themselves to be as good, if not better, than the men. When she had first realised that her feelings were not entirely platonic she had suffered what she can only describe as a mini breakdown. It had hurt deeply as confusion had rocketed through her as well as fear that she would lose her first proper confidante. Compartments, that had been her solution and from that point on it became the way she dealt with her unruly emotions. 

For a while Jocelyn had buried her feelings for Gloria but she couldn’t completely bury her attraction to the fairer sex. It was as though her eyes had been opened for the first time and in a way she supposed it was. She could shut off her conscious thoughts, stop them before they lingered but she couldn’t always control it. The fear and shame would burn hot each time she awoke wet, wanting, her hand buried between her thighs as her sex ached. Thoughts of beautiful intelligent blondes lingering in her mind.

”Was she just a fling?”

Jocelyn falters for a moment and Maggie’s curious eyes turn to her, Jocelyn knows she can read the hurt in her features. 

“What happened?” 

Embarrassment burns through her, even after all these years it still causes her to squirm uncomfortably as she recalls that night. 

“We were celebrating a win, a particularly prolific case. I drank far too much and ending up in a rather compromising position with another woman in the toilets of our regular bar. Gloria caught us and it resulted in me confessing my attraction to the fairer sex and stupidly my attraction to her” 

Jocelyn feels as though her cheeks are on fire and she refuses to look at Maggie, she doesn’t want to see pity in her eyes. The disgust in Gloria’s had haunted her for years. Jocelyn had immediately pulled back, shoving the other woman away from her in terror before chasing after her friend confession tumbling from her lips but the damage was irreparable. 

“She was horrified, told me never to speak of it again and if I wanted to succeed in my career then I needed to sort myself out, stop all this unnaturalness” 

Maggie snorts in anger but Jocelyn cannot quench the swirl of emotion that rises. That weekend she had stayed in a drunken stupor not allowing herself to sober up just to cope with the gnawing ache in her chest that had manifested at Gloria’s words. After that she had never been the same, lived with the permanent fear that if anyone found out she would lose the thing she had fought so hard for. It had become easier to compartmentalise, the raw fear fuelling the desire to bury that part of herself away out of sight. 

“She never really spoke to me again, not until I was in Silks and occasionally our paths would cross in the courtroom” 

Maggie reaches for her hand and Jocelyn allows their fingers to intertwine. From then on she had reverted firmly back into herself and her work. She had triumphed during her pupilage and finished her recognised training period in a record eighteen months. Job offers where lining up for the newly qualified young woman barrister who was breaking the misconception that only the men could be the true stars in the world of law. 

“When I was fully qualified I moved firms where I became the only female barrister. The men there where crude and could be cruel, when I rejected the advances of a couple of them they became nasty” 

Maggie’s head turns in alarm “Did they hurt you?” 

“No, no they would just sneer and make snide comments. I used to brush off their words and channel my frustration into my cases but the more I won the worse they became” 

Jocelyn sighs “I could ignore most of it but when they stated throwing around dyke, internally I panicked. If it stuck I was scared it would tarnish my reputation” saying this to Maggie seems shameful, when this wonderful woman beside her has always been so proud of who she is, never hiding away. 

“After that I agreed to a date from one of my more respectable colleagues. He was an attractive man, kind, intelligent everything I should have wanted” 

Jocelyn can picture David fumbling with his briefcase as he stuttered his way through asking her to accompany him to the theatre. She had gone to decline but Gloria’s words were always at the forefront of her mind and with the additional threat of the growing rumours it had cemented her decision. Instead she had accepted and it had been a pleasant evening, in fact there had been many others that followed but Jocelyn knew they could never be more than acquaintances it just wouldn’t be fair. 

“David was respected amongst his work peers and comments were never made again. Not even after we stopped seeing each other” 

“Did you sleep with him?” 

“Yes thinking it might change how I felt about him. I felt nothing other than deep dissatisfaction” Maggie’s fingers squeeze tighter and Jocelyn can remember all to well the feeling of resignation she had felt after that first night and the few others that followed. In the end she just couldn’t pretend any longer, could not bear to be touched. The feeling had stayed with her lurking under her skin. 

“After that I decided to just keep to myself, it was easy almost too easy in fact. Work took up so much of my time that I had little left to devote to anything else” 

The wind is chilly and she moves her hands into her coat pockets. She doesn’t let go of Maggie’s so their fingers arecocooned together in the slow building warmth. Maggie moves closer, tucking into her side as they walk. It’s lovely that she can enjoy this now even if it is so late in life. 

“Thank you” She tilts her head questioningly and Maggie continues “For telling me all that, I know it’s not easy for you” 

Jocelyn squeezes the hand in her own tightly, she loves Maggie fiercely and it has been easier to talk than she thought it would be. Time does help heal old wounds and now that she’s happy and content it’s easier to recall the struggles of her younger self without the same visceral hurt she used to feel.

“Thank you for listening” 

Maggie chuckles rolling her eyes at her but Jocelyn only smiles in response. 

“So, there’s never been anyone ... more permanent?” 

Maggie knows she’s not a blushing virgin when it comes to sex, that had come up after they had first slept together, but she has absolutely no knowledge of how many or who they where. 

“Apart from you darling no, there were women yes but I suppose they were just acquaintances I could trust to be discreet” 

“Where you ever worried they would want more?” 

“No I made sure that they knew exactly what they where getting into. I always picked wisely made sure that if they dared to speak out the consequences would be just as damning for them as it could have potentially been for me”

“Do you still keep in touch with any of them?” 

Jocelyn eyes Maggie curiously, interested in how she will react, her voice has that forced casualness again “Yes, only one, she works at the same legal office as Sharon. We bump into each other occasionally, exchange pleasantries” 

Maggie’s jaw clenches ever so slightly “She was the one I always had the most faith in keeping our dalliances to herself. It was for this reason I allowed our meetings to happen more frequently and continue longer than any of the others” 

“Why?” Maggie’s tone is sharp. 

“Because she was and still is married, to a high profile police commissioner who is a man. She loved him, I imagine still loves him but she couldn’t get everything she needed from him” 

“But she could from you” 

“Yes” 

“Would she ask that of you now?” 

Jocelyn shakes her head “I don’t think so, by our last meeting she had mostly worked it out of her system. It was intense and like anything that highly charged it cannot last forever. Also I think the guilt of what she was doing was beginning to overwhelm her” 

Maggie’s eyes are burning into her and inwardly Jocelyn chuckles, she knows Maggie is desperate for more details but unwilling to ask. The journalist in her wants the full story. 

“Darling, she just wanted to be dominated by a woman. I would handcuff her to the bed and fuck her until she couldn’t take anymore” Maggie’s lips purse “There was never anything emotional behind it and it’s at least eighteen months since we last met. It was a good twelve months before I attempted to retire” 

Maggie’s face relaxes ever so slightly and Jocelyn cannot help but smile a little. 

“Are you jealous?” Maggie opens her mouth but then closes it again there’s a light flush to her cheeks and Jocelyn chuckles before pressing her lips to the rosy hue “You have no need to be” 

“Oh it’s silly I know, it’s just now that you’ve come to terms with everything you could have anybody you wanted. Look at you, you’re stunning petal” 

“Maybe” Jocelyn winks cheekily before she continues “but all I want, all I’ve ever wanted is you” 

Maggie smiles at her shyly “You don’t miss the others?” 

Jocelyn shakes her head “Not at all, what we have is infinitely better in every way my love, you don’t ever need to worry about that” 

She stops and Maggie looks at her in surprise when she pulls her close and kisses her thoroughly. Jocelyn wants to erase any lingering doubt in Maggie’s mind that she isn’t enough. When lack of oxygen becomes an issue she breaks their kiss and smirks coyly.

“In broad daylight Jocelyn Knight where anyone could see us” 

Jocelyn laughs at Maggie’s mock indignation “Maggie if I could have my way with you in this field right now I would do” she winks naughtily “I just don’t think my knees are up to it, especially not with the walk back”

Maggie laughs loudly it carries in the wind and Jocelyn laughs along with her. She loves this woman, never wants to be without her. 

“God I love you” 

Maggie wraps her hand in hers and tucks back into her side. Contentment washes over her in a wave, settling deep into her bones as they continue to walk. For a moment a thought settles into her mind. Maybe; just maybe, she should make this woman officially hers. 


End file.
